Through My Grown Up Eyes
Looking at life through my grown up eyes
Communication has been on my heart these last couple of days. As I venture into the stories of my past, into my history, to see where the work needs to be done.
The healing. The observing. Looking at my life through my grown up eyes. I see the patterns and I see the way things unfolded for me.
And communication, or lack thereof, is what stands out the most. And I realize I have some forgiving to do, of myself and of my family.
Because communication was not our strong suit. As a family. As a whole.
I mean, we talked, sure. But I could always feel like there was something missing. A very crucial element that could have changed the trajectory of my entire life.
Even though it doesn’t really matter now because what’s done is done. There is no way to go back and I wouldn’t change my experiences for the world.
I know that every moment and every event has led me right here. Able to write these words and talk about those experiences.
Start a cycle of healing
By allowing myself to explore these events openly and without judging myself, I give you permission to do the same. And that makes me feel whole.
That I can start a cycle of healing. A ripple effect, if you will. To heal the world. To allow the world to heal. For you to heal.
And yet, I still sometimes wonder, from a purely curious standpoint of course. I imagine what life maybe could have been like had the channels of communication been open enough for my parents to hear clearly.
Feel my emotions.
On a deep level.
That is what I craved. I sought out. I fought for.
When I started to “act out”.
When I started to look elsewhere for a sense of belonging.
When I started to look elsewhere to fill the void in my soul.
When I started to look elsewhere for understanding and acceptance.
When I left home at 14.
I wonder, how could my life have turned out differently?
It all starts with me
But this isn’t a story about the mistakes I’ve made. The lessons I needed to learn. Finding trouble as trouble found me.
It’s a story about how I’m actively changing the way my lineage is raised. And it all starts with me. It starts with communication and standing strong in my desire to break the cycles.
I desire for my children to be heard.
I desire for my husband to understand my thoughts.
I desire to hear my family clearly.
Asking the questions. Navigating their minds with them. Going a little bit deeper every time to get to the root of what’s being expressed. Clarifying what they need from me so that I am fully present and stay connected to them.
I want nothing more than to keep our bonds tight. Knowing that no matter what is going on in their lives, my heart is always open to hearing what’s on theirs.
Now, I’m no communication expert by any means and I don’t claim to be. I just know from my own experiences, I feel so strongly about getting on their levels so that I can fully understand what they are asking of me.
Lack of communication has broken so many of my relationships throughout my life that I can’t not be obsessed about this.
And even though I may not fully understand my 4-year old’s mind, she knows that I will always try to get to her level and let my heart speak to hers.
What’s on her heart
And not just for me, but so that she knows, no matter what, she can always talk to mama about anything that’s on her little heart.
I will not judge her.
I will not ridicule her.
I will not let her believe that what she has to say is not important.
Because it is. All of it. Whether I understand or not. All things that she says is important.
So she knows that she can speak her mind freely and mommy will always make her feel safe.
So she can share her heart boldly.
And I don’t have to be afraid of what she might be doing out in the world in 10 years.
Their little lives are my responsibility and it’s up to me to raise them in the very best environment I can.
Where we love fiercely and communicate openly.
Because if there is nothing else I do in this world, at least I know I created an environment where my children are encouraged to speak up.
That they are able to communicate their thoughts and feelings in the world. And they never feel fear around talking to me. That they know they will always be heard.
And I will never judge them.