The Butterfly

The Butterfly

Fake it til you make it

Perseverance. Staying focused. Keep moving forward. Procrastination is my death.

I’ve never been one to fully accept who I am. I used to use the “fake it til you make it motto”, but I really can’t stand that saying anymore.

You see, it alway gave me permission to half-ass everything. I saw it as a negative.

It gave me an excuse. A reason to not go all in and do the work, the inner work, that needed to be done.

It gave me an excuse to continue in my old behaviors and patterns.

Just like when I was overcoming one of my biggest addictions.

Pill, opiates, painkillers – that was the hardest recovery of my life. It took me 4 tries and 6 years to finally be done with that part of my life.

Perseverance. Fake it till you make it.

I got off the pills on my own. Without a support group. Without anyone else’s help. Just my strong will and desire to be free.

I wasn’t ready

It took me nearly 6 years because I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t really ready to let that go. It took me 4 tries. Because 3 times I relapsed.

It was THE most excruciating experiences of my life. One time, I was so desperate. And I didn’t want the drugs that help you slowly wean off of them. I tried that. They didn’t work for me. I wanted to sobriety and I wanted it now!

4 days. A psychiatrist that specialized in addiction. Blood pressure meds to control my heart rate. At home. With her on-call.

I. Felt. Every. Single. Withdrawal. Moment.

But that was my choice. I chose that route. Because the times before I tried to quit didn’t work for me.

You would have thought that experience alone would keep me clean. And that was the plan. To feel it all so I wouldn’t go back.

But that’s the thing with addiction. With drugs. They are alluring.

When they beckon you, like an old friend, you only remember the good times. You only remember the good ways they made you feel.

Serene. Calm. Glorious. Escape. Out of pain. Physically. Emotionally. In heart. In soul.

Because I didn’t want to know any other way.

Those pills were the beginning of the end for me. And when I had finally hit rock bottom, after I’d exhausted all my resources, I finally got clean.

And then alcohol became my new friend.

Because I’m an addict. I’ve been an addict for as long as I can remember. If it wasn’t one thing, it was another. I love to indulge. I had no self-control. Always looking for a way to escape the pain that lived in every ounce of my being.

I couldn’t fake it till I made it.

I had to have a strong desire in the depths of my soul.

I had to want it more than anything in the whole world.

I. HAD. TO. NEED. IT.

It’s the same thing when you go into business for yourself. You have to want it more than anything else.

You are willing to make the sacrifices for the thing you want. You have to let go of the beliefs that are telling you that you can’t.

Just like those little pills. I had to want sobriety more than what those little pills were giving me.

Because even though they gave me a release and made me feel good and free in those moments – there was always the knowing that I would come down from that high and be fucking miserable.

So I stayed high.

The path that I’m now…

Learning

Adapting

Growing

This is something, THE something, my soul has really been craving and seeking out.

All these years I masked it. I quieted my calling. Ignored the desires of my heart to heal. Instead, I fed it drugs to shut it up.

Instead, I fed it drugs to shut it up.

The one thing my unevolved mind knew how to do. I coped.

Now. Today. I live. I live through those moments. I live through those memories.I allow myself to feel all the painful moments from my childhood to now. I look deep within at my stories. I observe them with gentle kindness

I allow myself to feel all the painful moments from my childhood to now. I look deep within at my stories. I observe them with gentle kindness.

I see where my conditioned mind tried to keep me safe.

And now, I am shifting. I’m writing new stories. I’m integrating new beliefs that tell me I AM WORTHY of healing. That I do deserve a better life.

That all I ever needed was to love myself.

All I ever wanted was to love myself.

Accept myself.

Fully.

Completely.

With my whole heart.

With my entire being.

And now my desire is to help you do the same.

It is the calling in my soul that now needs to show you that it is possible.

That it’s possible to pull yourself out of the mess you have created, whatever that might look like for you.

That no one else can do it for you.

That if you have a strong enough desire, I am here. My hand is here — I will help you lift yourself out.

I want to inspire you. Motivate you. Encourage you. Hold space for you. Create a space for you.

Where you feel safe and supported and loved.

Because someone did that for me.

Someone showed me that it was possible for me to believe in myself. My true self. Not the self I was showing to the world.

The me under the facade.

The me behind the mask.

My true self.

I have been on this path of healing since 2011, but only in the last 6 months have I truly transformed.I have gone through a whole life transformation.

I have gone through a whole life transformation.

I have tools and systems in place to keep me focused. I wake up every day excited to explore another layer. Another part of me.

I am no longer afraid of the pain. I embrace the pain… because I  know that once I move through the pain, I am healed. And I don’t have to feel frozen in it anymore.

And it is the desire of my heart to help you do the same.

Hi! My name is Amy and I am a life coach.

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