She Is Her Own Light
I have been guided to go in.
To go DEEP within to see what could be. To explore once more, the events of my childhood. To look at them in a new light.
Another observation of another layer, because that’s what this process is – a process.
A lifetime process of going back to see what’s under the next layer as I move into the next phase of my being with new fresh eyes.
To maybe see what I couldn’t see before. To feel in a way I never felt before.
Softer. Kinder. Gentler. With more compassion and giving myself more grace.
For in childhood, we are simply just children, navigating a world we know nothing about. Looking to those around us for guidance and understanding.
But what happens to the child, the little girl, who doesn’t have that?
What is the difference between the parent who is physically there, but emotionally not present and the parent who just isn’t there?
I can’t imagine there is.
Because the child with the parent still doesn’t understand and equates that to him not being there at all.
Just a physical form floating through her day. Going through the motions. Saying what he needs to say to get through it. His mind and spirit always somewhere else.
And she could always feel it. It’s no wonder her life unfolded as it did.
No wonder she became a by-product, a statistic, a number in the juvenile and adult justice system.
No wonder she was reported as a runaway over and over and over again.
No wonder she began her rebellion at 12 years old.
No wonder she left you at 14.
No wonder she became a drug addict, promiscuous, a thief just to survive the streets.
Because any other place was better than home.
Any other feeling was better than not feeling heard.
Because the love and attention from any other person was better than none at all.
Even being numb to it all, was better than the loneliness she felt in her heart, in your home.
And she wanted you to know.
She wanted you to know how much she was hurting, but you couldn’t. You could never see past her actions.
You could never see into the heart of the little girl you brought into this world.
You could never understand the pain that runs so deep that every decision she ever made was a response, a reaction, was a cry.
For. More. Love.
Whatever that would look like in that moment. Real or not.
Whatever made her feel like she could possibly belong in that moment.
She went where the wind took her. Holding on to people far longer than she should have.
Falling into the same relationships over and over and over again, feeling like she was destined for a miserable life.
That how could anyone love a girl so broken.
Even her friends believed that to be true. Making sure others knew the wreckage that is left in her wake.
And rightly so from what they saw on the outside looking in.
She was worth nobody’s energy.
They all could see the pain that ran so deep in her soul and how that manifested into the tornado that was her life.
And they all kept their distance, making sure, so carefully, not to get too close.
And sounding off the warning bells when she would try to let someone in.
Nobody ever really knowing that the little girl that lived inside
…just needed love.
Needed to understand that no matter what has happened in her life
No matter who had hurt her
No matter how many times she was abandoned and left to feel so alone
…that she was worthy.
She was always worthy.
She was, and is, worthy of
And also, what that little girl needs to know is that all these feelings
All this stuff
All this anger and pain and sadness
All of it is okay.
She is allowed to feel this way.
She needs to feel this way.
And she must also learn, now, to let it go.
To heal this next layer, and let it go.
To free herself
To allow herself to rise
To take another step forward in her transformation
To release it out into the universe so that she can feel that next layer of freedom.
Breathe in the stillness. Let that old storm pass. Completely.
Let it die with the stories it raged with.
So she can stand there, raw and vulnerable and safe… and in her power.
Knowing now, that all she ever needs to do is look within.
All the love and compassion and forgiveness and support she will ever need lives inside her.
She is her own light.
From my soul to yours,