A Key In Plain View
Following your heart
isn’t always an easy thing to do. Especially when you’ve been conditioned for most of your life to do the practical.
Go to school. Get the job. Meet the partner. Have the family. Die.
But what if that’s not your path?
What if you don’t follow the order?
Who are you to do things differently?
Who are you to not follow the plan society/your family has for you?
Does that make you an outsider?
Does that make you an outcast?
And who are you to break the rules?
Who are you to challenge the norm?
To go against it all and rise up.
Be an individual.
To stand firm in what you believe to be true.
I’ll tell you.
YOU are the one who will make a difference.
Who will create change.
The one who will claim what is yours by divine birthright.
Who will make it okay for others who have this burning desire in their hearts too, but don’t yet have the strength to claim it.
To step into their power.
To know their worth.
To believe in the miracles.
Life has knocked them down so many times.
Because life knocked you down.
Because life knocked me down.
And in a whirlwind of events, we landed here.
I was asleep for 35 years.
Trying to do what everyone else told me to do.
Trying to define success by someone else’s standards. Someone else’s rules.
Never learning how to follow my own heart. Never having faith in myself.
Never being open to my truth… because I didn’t know how.
I didn’t know how to give myself permission.
Never knowing I COULD give myself permission.
Seeking approval from everyone else but me.
Because I was never taught that I could rely on me and my instincts.
Life is funny that way.
I was raised to survive. To react. To follow.
And then was questioned as to why I couldn’t lead. Why I wasn’t more. Why I couldn’t be an individual.
I became confused. I started hurting.
I became enraged and destructive and lonely.
Venturing out on my own before I was ready. To prove something.
No discipline. No path. No guidance.
I would figure it out on my own.
Searching for love and acceptance in everyone and everything else.
Because I couldn’t be trusted. My instincts couldn’t be trusted.
And I couldn’t trust the world.
But now here I am.
Looking back at my 12-14-17-19-22-28 year old selves and I know that it wasn’t supposed to be any different.
That had I not been those versions of me, I would not be me.
I would not be sitting here
…watching the ink glide across these pages
…writing down my thoughts/hopes/dreams/reflections/desires
…telling my story
…my children sleeping soundly down the hall
…watching my husband as he leaves for work
…enjoying the aroma and taste of my morning coffee
…the candle flickering
…as the sun rises behind me
…sitting in contemplation of the next phase of my life that is rapidly approaching.
I take in these quiet moments of reflection and am grateful.
Gratitude floods my heart and my soul.
Tears stream down my face as I am overcome with emotion.
How did I get here?
And I have said this a million times before.
But this time it’s different.
Because it IS different.
I am not on my knees, begging God for change. Bartering this life for another.
Letting go of faith.
I am thanking God.
For this beautiful, messy, perfectly imperfect life that I got to choose.
By honoring the contract my soul made eons ago.
Love and hope and faith made their way back to me.
My strength restored.
I am developing a deeper understanding of the world around me, both the physical and the spiritual.
I no longer step back in fear. I now step forward in faith. I can now trust my intuition, my inner guidance.
That still small voice I silenced decades ago. It grows louder the more I listen. The more I tune in. The more I let go of the ideals that were planted in my mind and trust that everything I ever needed to know was inside me all along.
That the love and the acceptance and the worth that I was seeking for 35 years…
Was all inside me.
The key sitting right there in plain view, but I couldn’t see it because that’s not where I was looking.
And it’s the same for you, love.
Your value and your worth are not determined by anyone outside of you.
No my love, that all comes from within, if you’ll only look there.
If you’ll only allow yourself to be vulnerable with the only person that matters.
The one who judges you the most.
The one who is capable of making your dreams a reality.
You, my love. I am talking about you.
Your beautiful soul.
I can see everything you want to be and can be.
And I know it’s scary. I know it hurts. IT. FUCKING. HURTS!!
But I promise love, it doesn’t have to anymore.
And that’s what you want, right?
Of course. I know it.
YOU know it.
I understand, love.
I really, really do.
From my soul to yours,