Finding Freedom in Forgiveness
Forgiveness is never about the other person…
I received my very first set of oracle cards the other day and have been playing around with them. Getting to know them, letting them get to know me. I did a couple of readings just to see what they would say and well, they were pretty damn accurate!
So today I pulled a card. A single card. Just for a little guidance and wisdom around my business. Nothing too heavy, I simply asked: “what do I need to be working on right now to launch my life coaching business”.
Forgiveness. I pulled the Forgiveness card.
Okay, so how does that help my business?
Because that’s what my business is all about! Healing. Healing from past wounds.
And to heal means to forgive.
Before I could even turn to my journal, I knew exactly who and what situation I needed to forgive.
I thought I already did this.
I turned to my journal
So I turned to my journal. I put pen to paper and started writing.
The floodgates opened and I could feel the pain the 2-year-old inside me was feeling when she was abandoned.
Left with strangers. Alone. No more mommy. No more daddy.
The raw emotion. The tightness in my chest. The scream I couldn’t get out. The sounds in my soul muffled by the tears hitting the table.
They were my grandparents. My father’s parents. I had never met them before that day. They were strangers to me.
The 2-year-old me. Watching my daddy walk away. Screaming for him to come back. But he couldn’t hear me. He was gone.
I cried. For the next 2 days, I cried. I wanted my mommy. I wanted my daddy. I wanted to go home.
I was lost. I was hurting. I was alone in my pain. No one could understand what I was going through, least of all me.
At 2 years old, Grief found me.
At 2 years old, Grief found me.
I would meet Grief several more times throughout my life, but at 2 years old I met Grief for the first time and I had no idea what to do with that.
At 2 years old, I had to learn to cope. To deal. To move on. To trust these people who would care for me for the next year.
We bonded. We loved. I learned unconditional love from them. I learned about marriage. I learned about compromise. I learned how to accept life on life’s terms. I learned how to just go with it.
As a child who should never have to go through that kind of trauma, I survived. And I would continue my cycle of survival for 3 decades.
Today the work wasn’t in forgiving those who caused me pain… that was done years ago.
The work was in forgiving myself
No… today the work was in forgiving myself. For holding onto that pain for 33 years. For allowing every relationship to be based on that fear of abandonment. For continuing to tell myself that I wasn’t worthy of love. That I didn’t deserve love. That no matter what, those I love and care for will always leave me.
I had to forgive myself for the stories I recited over and over and over again in my head. About the belief that I wasn’t good enough.
Because I am enough. I am not my story. I am not my history. I see the events of my life for what they were. I remove attachment and resentment. I honor the child who had to learn this lesson and I forgive her.
I am a child of the Divine. I am never lost. I am never alone. I am never abandoned. I embrace the beauty of the lesson. My lessons prepare me for the next one. They prepare me for growth and understanding. I am whole. I am renewed. I am love.