Breath Into Your Own Understanding
Everything happens in the most divine time and in the most divine way… this is the current mantra of my life.
We have no control on how things happen, we just need to trust that it always does, it always will and it will always be for our highest good.
Today my message is Healing.
My message is that it’s possible to move through and move past all of the bullshit that holds us back from our greatness. That holds us back from knowing who we really are at our core.
From letting others in. From allowing love, freedom, peace and passion into our lives.
How many years have you gone without feeling passionate about yourself? Your own power. Your femininity. Your courage.
Do you understand how and why you do the things you do?
Do you understand that you were meant for so much more?
Do you understand that there are others just like you, stuck in this mundane life of fulfilling the dreams of others?
Well… what about you?
What about YOUR dreams? Hopes? Desires?
What happened to that fearless girl that had not a care in the world. That went after everything with the determination and tenacity of a 4-year old?
The one that didn’t let anything stand in her way? The one that used to dream.
She used to dream so big and so hard that everything she ever desired had to be. Her imagination was so big and so vast that the universe had to line it up for her.
The stories she told. The games she’d play. The books she would read. Ooohhh the books! The adventures. The fairytales. She would get lost for hours in those stories.
She was content to just read and read and read. Because there was nothing better than the escape to another world. A world of love and hope and fantasy.
A world where pain couldn’t touch her because every story always had a happy ending.
Because she didn’t know when she would have hers. Her happy ending.
Because when she had to put the book down, reality washed over her and the pain settled back in. Back into that place in her heart that told her she wasn’t safe.
That told her she had to hold on tight or she would be left behind. Again. Over and over and over.
Because the pain from the 2-year old version of her still lived inside. Abandoned. Fearful. Lost. Scared. Alone.
All these feelings she’s carried with her her whole life.
Never being able to fully trust. Not even herself. Because at just 2 years old, that little girl suddenly had to grow up.
The most painful event in her little life would settle in. Take hold. And never let her go.
And today, at 36, she still feels that pain. So much work has been done to let it go, but it’s still there. Residing where it always has. And I chip away at it. I work through it. Layer by layer.
When you have been holding onto a pain for a lifetime, for 33 years, it doesn’t just leave you overnight. You revisit. You observe it. You are gentle and understanding and kind. You see the event for what it was and not for what was done to you.
My parents did the best they could with what they knew.
They knew I’d be safe when I was left in my grandparent’s care. And they loved me fiercely, as grandparents do. They cared for me during the hardest time of my little life. And my parents came back for me.
But what they didn’t understand was how a 2-year old heart can shatter and never be the same.
That that little heart will carry that pain with her for the rest of her life. Taking it into every relationship. Every friendship. Every human encounter. And then write the ending before the story has even begun.
How it creates a ripple effect in her little life that carries on like that for three and a half decades. And it is only now, in the midst of my awakening, that I understand it was meant to be that way.
I was meant to experience that event. My soul descended on this earth knowing that was the life I was meant to live. That that event would set me on my path.
I would learn from that.
I would still love with my whole heart in every wrong relationship. That I would never give up on love. No matter how much hurt and pain was thrown my way. No matter how much loss I would endure.
The murder of my baby sister. Watching as cancer slowly killed my grandmother and then my father. Countless friends leaving this earth in varying ways. Surviving multiple overdoses. My own attempt at suicide.
I can still stand here. I can take all that I have been through. And I can breathe. I can breathe through the memories. I can breathe through the pain. I can breathe through it all. I can breathe in the light.
And I exhale the heaviness that once gripped my entire being.
And I can stand here and show you with proof upon proof, testimony after testimony, that it’s possible to forgive.
It’s okay to forgive them. And it’s okay to forgive yourself.
Don’t hold yourself prisoner in your pain. Your life is beautiful, with all of your stories. Your stories are a beautiful testament to your strength and your power.
You have the power within you.
I promise you do. There is always a reason for everything. There are lessons all around if only you’ll be open to seeing them. To understanding them. To desiring to understand. To choosing to understand.
Someone is waiting for you to walk out of your darkness so they can walk out of theirs.
They need to see you do it so they can know it’s possilbe for them too.
I know this now. And that is why I share my stories so openly. Because if I don’t… my soul sister may never find her way out of her darkness. Her light may never turn on. And THAT is more painful than any event in my history.
My past is done. Those stories have been written. I cannot change those events. Nor do I want to.
Without them, I wouldn’t be me.
But what I CAN do is use them for what they were meant for. And that is to help you, soul sister. Help you navigate your way out. To help you see that there is hope. That your light still shines within you. I see it. It never went out. Your pain will become your strength, just as mine did.
And I am here, sister. Your time is now. You are ready.
Your mind is telling you… no.
I know. So close your eyes. Listen to your breathing – you are still alive. Quiet your mind. Breathe. Now listen to your heart. Your soul is speaking to you. Silence the noise in your mind. Silence the voices around you. Tune in to what your soul is saying.
What is she saying to you? What does she want you to understand? It’s okay, love. You are safe. You are ready to hear her. Breathe.
I love you.
From my soul to yours,